Nowadays there is a lot of debate and difference of opinion on the political, religious and moral standards behind homosexuality and what it will mean for those who are living that lifestyle. Our country is divided and has many different views as a religion, as a denomination, as family and as friends. How do we find our balance? What does that mean for them? And us?

Julie and Hilary Goodridge were the first same-sex couples to be wed in 2004. They, amongst many other gay and lesbians, fought for what they felt was their right. Filing a lawsuit they won making Boston, Massachusetts, the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. Two years later they filed for a divorce. We are living in an age where homosexuality is surfacing once again and leaving all others deciding how to respond. Looking back in human history we constantly see examples of societies accepting and hating “alternative life styles”, proving that history repeats itself.

Most of those who are “against” homosexuality (mainly christians) feel that they can’t really love each other and that it is all sin or the devil deceiving them. But as Christians, and people in general, we need to understand that homosexual couples really do love each other in many cases. Those feelings of loyalty and protection and overwhelming love for one another can be just as real for them as it is for you and I. Some people treat them as if those relationships don’t matter. People even treat them as if they don’t have feelings at all and just do it to be disgusting. That isn’t so, and we need to treat them as if their feelings really matter, because they do. They can experience the realities of heartbreak, brokenness, and anxiety in their relationships when they are going well, and it hurts just as much as it hurts those in heterosexual relationships. They bond to one another and care about one another. That doesn’t mean its God’s will, but, it means the feelings are something real. They feel real love for one another just like the love between my father and mother when I was conceived.

At first glance it looks like we have two options; hate those living in same-sex lifestyles or jump on the band wagon and hate everyone else who refuses to see eye to eye. However, there’s more than just the two. I like to call it the biblical view. Too many people throw the baby out with the bath water but Jesus makes it clear that we are not to hate or judge. As Christians we are to love all and judge what they do. Sounds a lot like judging them right? Let’s clarify then. As humans we all make bad decisions, and do things we shouldn’t. I can condemn what my friend is doing without having to make him an outcast. Until someone is redeemed they have no reason to follow Christ’s word. There is no reason to require them to either. My point…focus on what matters. If we, as Christians, are about love, then we are going to care about the soul of a person and not their sin. Guys sleeping around with other girls gets a lot less heat than guys sleeping around with other guys!

Many people act like being gay or lesbian makes you worse than any other sinner. Some even treat them as if they weren’t human. Jesus said “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12 30-31). I am guessing when He said that he wasn’t talking about us loving only our christian “neighbors”, or those living an approved, yet still sinful, lifestyle. It’s interesting how we can look past many sins, yet be fixed upon crushing those who struggle with other sins we find less offensive. We all sin, we all fall way short of the glory of God. So how can we look at someone and not see that Jesus died for them the same horrible death He died for us who profess Him as lord? That alone should give us as Christians a tenderness and love for those who we feel aren’t saved. Yet, we treat people with brutality and arrogance and say it’s in the name of Jesus. But if we really understand who He is we wouldn’t treat people the way we do. As I’ve said in other posts, Jesus walked with, talked with and loved sinners. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we shouldn’t confront people’s sin. The bible specifically tells us to address people within the church of sin and to challenge them. It also tells us not to judge those who haven’t been redeemed. A sinner isn’t going to see our reasoning behind saying what they are doing is wrong. That doesn’t mean that we accept the sin, only the sinner. Compromising is not an option.

In 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, it says, “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. Purge the evil person from among you.”". This verse pretty much speaks for itself… But let’s break it down anyway. Paul says here that we as Christians shouldn’t associate with someone who is sexually immoral. He clarifies what he means by saying that he doesn’t at all mean the immoral, greedy, swindlers, etc. “of this world” meaning they who aren’t claiming to be Christ followers. He goes on to say those who “bear the name of brother” (meaning brothers in Christ), and who are living a life of sin that we shouldn’t associate with them. We shouldn’t even eat with them. We as Christians cannot say we are following Christ and live a life of unrepentant and continual sin. We are to be following in His footsteps and growing and having new “fruit”. If someone isn’t but is claiming to be that is when we should challenge someone then walk away if there isn’t a change of heart. Not someone who is living a life of sin but isn’t a Christian.

If we walk away from someone like that how will we be like Christ? It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, it’s the sick and wounded. And just as the doctor needs his nurses to help administer cures and medications, God needs us to help spread His love and His name. But, I know for myself I am not open to hearing of cures or meds to my ailments from a nurse who is rude or uncaring about my condition. I will go find another doctor if they don’t treat me kindly. And that’s exactly what others will do when they meet a Christian who is nasty and mean, they will go find another doctor.

Amongst all the controversy of why and how sexual feelings towards the same genders is wrong, it becomes clear that we can only start to weed out faulty assumptions until we have a correct understanding of God and how he works. God has marriage set up to represent Christ and the church. Marriage is, and always has been, a religious institution! We (Christians) represent Christ’s bride and Christ represents the groom. Male/male and female/female relationships explicitly go against that.

Christ repeatedly tells us that we are not our own but God’s. Tell that to someone not saved and they’ll scoff and give you a list why Our God is arrogant and screwed up for thinking so much of Himself. But the reality is that if we honor God, we honor His institution of marriage as it is set-up in scripture. And we must understand His ways are not our ways, but they are good, they are right and they are better than any reality we can create for ourselves.

Bottom line is that regardless of who the person is, sex outside of marriage is wrong…always! Whether someone of the same-sex or someone of the opposite sex. It clearly says in Romans 1:26-27, “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was met.” And in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. Our desire should be that all stay pure before God not only sexually, but in their hearts. And those that are not walking with the Lord should be looked at with love, charity, and compassion in order that Christ may be glorified and those who need Him may find Him through us!

I would also like to say a special thanks to my boyfriend Melvin Dees for writing this with me, giving me biblical insight and holding me accountable to the things I believe in.

Whether you have a good or bad past, I am sure you have things you regret or wish didn’t happen…we all do.  We cannot change our past. But we can use experience from our past to change our future.

I have lots of good and bad memories of my past. But it always seems like the bad out ways the good.  I’ve realized the more I dwell on the bad things the more it will change my perspective on life.  What I need to try to do is use the bad things that happened and learn from them so I can choose to go in  the right direction.

We can’t change whats already happened. We can’t take back things we’ve said, done, or thought no matter how much we might want to.  We need to accept the fact that the wrong which has already been done is also forgiven and forgotten if we’ve given it over to Christ.

Many of us dwell on the sins we’ve committed in the past and feel guilty or try to protect ourselves from the consequences of our actions. It’s human nature. But if we are saved we are also forgiven and clean, and considered spotless and blameless before God.

If you have something you are holding on to…whether its something you have done or someone else has done to you…you need to be forgiving of yourself and others.

It’s not easy to forgive, but it’s even harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. Let me say that again…it’s harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others.  But remember, God sees us as His sons and daughters.  He loves us and wants what is best for us. He doesn’t remember the sin after we’ve confessed it. The bible says that He has thrown it to the deepest part of the ocean. And I’m sure if He can forget it He doesn’t want us to continue to feel guilty about it either.  Be secure and happy knowing that He is a forgiving and loving father who desires nothing but the best for you.

Some people wanna be like (or have) one of those chics who drives a sweet car, or one of them dudes who are makin a lot of money dressed in cool clothes. Guys go all crazy for a girl who drives fast and lives on the edge. Girls go crazy for a guys who is bad or sweet with kids. But they’re lookin for the wrong thing.  Even as Christians we can be lookin for the wrong thing. But God should be enough!

We should be searching for the one who left his throne, his heavenly home, and came to this earth and became a man born in a lowly and humble place. The man who never did a thing wrong, yet was crucified. The man who rose again and returned and sits at the right hand of God. I am AMAZED!!!!

We can be the richest, smartest and most “hard-core” but we will all be judged on the same level at the end of our lives. You can want a lot of stuff. Everything you see on TV, cars, education, clothes, jewelry, toys. etc. But if God isn’t enough our life is pointless. Don’t be focused on the wrong stuff, have your eyes on Christ! And KNOW that God is enough.

Tonight could be your last night, so don’t be chasin’ all  your dreams that don’t mean a thing… Don’t be a slave to the things of this world..be a bond-servant to Christ.

We all get so caught up in the busyness of life. It’s like the world can’t slow down long enough for us to catch our breath sometimes. Our society is so  fast paced  that if we slow down for one minute we feel like our life might spin out of control. I’m sure I am not the only one who feels like this…

I woke up this morning very convicted about how I have been running my life lately… I let life grab hold of me. And I realized that if we slack for even a second to get our life “under control” and leave God out that it will only cause more stress then we already had. I didn’t realize that I had been doing it until this morning.  We can all say we are living our life with God in it but is it our life or His? Is He an add on or is He what we’re living for? I want to live my life for Him! I want to be surrounded by His love and grace. But we can only have that if we are living for him.

When I was younger (around age 4-10) I was so innocent and full of faith. I would talk to God like I was talking to a best friend and tell Him anything and everything and feel like He was in the room with me smiling and telling me He loved me. Then I got a little older and life got stressful…it got hard and trials were thrown at me from every direction.  My faith stayed strong.  When I cried I felt Him there comforting me. He let me know everything was going to be OK and that He was taking care of me and I didn’t doubt Him for a second. Whether He talked to me through His word or through people around me or just spoke to me directly I felt Him there around me helping me put one foot in front of the other and holding me by the hand when I couldn’t do it on my own. The feeling of peace I had in the midst of the worst trial of my life was indescribable. One chapter from Psalms that really helped me through was Psalm 3,

” O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O LORD! Save me, O my God! For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the LORD; your blessing be on your people! Selah”

I miss that… I havent walked away from Him at all but I haven’t been putting Him at the top of my list of things that are important to me.

I say all this to encourage you.  I am not perfect. None of us are. I pray that I can make a difference in someone’s life by sharing my own struggles on here. Only by His grace can we have a passion and desire to want Him more than anything and put Him first. Our flesh is hard to overcome but by the blood of Christ we are able to draw near to him and overcome our fleshly desire to serve ourselves.

Hey Everyone! So I know this is a very controversial subject and I am very excited to hear everyones thoughts on it so please comment! This is just my opinion and what I believe is the interpretation of scripture as I read it and the Lord guides me. But we are all in need of growth and correction, so please feel free to say whatever you want.

Okay…so first off…who wears a shirt/dress/any type of clothing made of two types of material? Did you know that was a sin? Who (if you plant) has different types of plants in the same field? Who eats fruit from the first year of harvest from a tree? Who eats red meet? Who shaves their head or beard? Did you know all those things I listed are “sins”? They are found in the same chapter where it is written “You shall not make any cuts on yourselves for the dead or tatoo yourselves”. (Leviticus 19)  But does much of the Old Testament even apply to the Christian walk today? Christ came to fulfill all the rules and the law, to become the payment of our sins so we didnt have to live by the law, but it became a heart and relational issue instead. The law was fulfilled but that doesnt mean we are free to do anything we want. He left us with two difficult comandments;  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself. If we follow these commands we will follow the “law” or cammands that are still valid. Chist got rid of many of the rules that people had to follow but there are some that still apply today.

When God spoke that, people were cutting and marking on themselves to morn for the dead and to honor them and ultimatly making the dead an idol by the way they were honoring them with their bodies. It was paganistic and God, being the jealous God he is, didn’t want them worshiping other gods or people. So a big question we have to answer for ourselves is this…are tatoos made to create beauty on the body today the same as the tattoing (cutting, piercing, etc) being done in Leviticus?

So many times people like to take the laws from the OT that back up an opinion or a belief of their own. If you want to use one law from the OT and say it is valid today then you should take all of the OT laws and follow them. You cannot say one is valid because it suits you but not take another because its to hard or isn’t our “culture” today.

Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1Cor 6:15) and we should keep our bodies pure and undefiled if we are the temple. If you eat McDonalds is that a sin? Yes and no… if you eat it because you like it that’s fine. If you eat it all the time and get fat and unhealthy so that you aren’t able to serve the Lord in areas he wants you, then yes, that is a sin. Paul said “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything.” You see, some things I can do that might be a sin for you. And you can do some things that would be a sin for me. This is likely the HARDEST part of our Christian walk. We were all called through His grace, we are all one body but we all have a different job and a different function that makes the body work. We are all the same yet very different.

God created us all with different weaknesses and strengths, but I think all to often we think of everyone else is having the same struggles and successes we are. It all comes down to a matter of the heart, the motives and the convictions of one person in their OWN relationship with our Savior. I think if someone wants to go get a tat to glorify God that is awesome! As with anything else if it is to glorify God we should be excited and encouraging others in every aspect of their life, even if it isn’t something we would do.  Of course there are sinful things that none of us at any time should do.  It is never glorifying to God to lie, steal, cheat, murder, have an affair, look in lust upon someone, hate someone, be lazy, spiteful, proud, or unjoyful.  Maybe for some a tatoo or a piercing can be a good way to start a conversation with someone about Christ and who knows, it might just be that seed that was planted in bringing them to the Lord. It can be a part in making you belong to a culture and open doorways to speaking with people.

And to round the argument off..here is where it gets sticky. If someone wants to get  a tat to be rebellious then yes that is definatley a sin. If you are getting a tatoo to show off, fit in, or make people notice you then I would say you probably shouldn’t get one. Find your identity in Christ, not a mark on your skin or jewelry or clothing.  Our walk with Christ is 100% dependent on our motives. Are you going to glorify God by getting a tatoo?  Maybe, maybe not!  That is between you and God to decide.  Our outward man does not make up our inward holiness.  We are all, no matter how beautiful or ugly in others eyes, a reflection of God and His love.  We need to remember this and continually stay in focus with the right lenses on.  Others are looking at us and seeing a reflection of the God we claim to serve.  Christ challenged every area of society when he was on earth.  He didn’t please the crowds, the seemingly righteous, or the leaders of His time.  He pleased God, His Father and ours, and that was his focus…and needs to remain ours.

In every area of life we need to ask ourselves if we are living to glorify God or glorify our flesh. =>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7W4I0tQZps

So I have been thinking lately about the kind of guy I would someday want to mary, like what are some characteristics I would be looking for, and things like that. It’s definitely something I think all girls should be thinking about sooner then later. But, I think its more important to think about what kind of wife or woman we want to be someday.

I think girls to often think about how to impress a guy with looks rather than character and personality. But looks aren’t all a guy is looking for. Yeah, a guy will want a cute girl. But if he’s got good character he’ll be looking at more than your outer shell and see the beauty inside and be attracted to that. When he sees whats inside and can look in awe and say “I want that!”  he’s not just looking at your body and wanting to get you in bed or have you on his arm to have a cute girl to make him “look cool”. You don’t want a guy who is gonna do that to you. Sure, it’ll be fun for a time. But do you think he’ll stick around? Is he gonna care for your heart? Probably not.

When I was younger I used to listen to a song by According to John that talked about a girl who was so in love with Christ that you could just see it spilling out of her. And the guy who liked her was jealous. Haha…and I wanted to be like that. Here’s the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYcuJTWzHDY

Many teens are out dating and having sex by the time they are 13-14. Sadly sometimes even younger. It’s sickening to think of that. But how can we change that if we grow up thinking its ok and everyone is doing it? We can’t. It takes people like us, average people, to change the way things are. So let’s start now in our own lives! Be an example and let people see Christ shining through you and doing things differantly than the world.

Relationships are a wonderful thing! I mean what would the world be without them? But our culture has changed it to being centered around us and having fun and finding sexual pleasure with no commitment. This isn’t the way that God planned it.

If you are a young teen or young adult or even an older person I want to challenge you and ask you as you are going into a relationship, “Are you ready for the responsibility of a relationship? Are you ready to be mature and deal with issues as they come up? Are you able to keep your heart safe? And your body? Do you intend to marry them? Or play with their emotions?” In each relationship you will lose part of your heart to that boy (or girl!) and they will lose a piece to you. Even if you intend for the relationship to be just for fun and completly innocent, you will still find yourself with part of your heart and emotions in the relationship.

Having a relationship with a guy (even if he is REALLY cute) isnt something you should take lightly. You need to take into consideration your heart, his heart, and God’s will and plan for your life. Is being in a relationship something that is going to affect you to grow more in Christ, or move away from Him and be distracted by the boy you like? If it will grow you in Christ and you know that the more you talk to him that your relationship with our Savior is growing then I say put some thought into it, pray about it, ask for Godly advice from people you trust and if you feel like God is saying that it is His will, Go for it! But you  should be sure that you are following God’s leading, not your heart and emotions.

There are many, many reasons that you shouldn’t follow your brain when deciding whether or not to date/court someone. But one of the biggest reasons would be that we are to continually be in the Spirit and following His leading. Not our own brain, so as not to fall to lust and sin. As humans we are in a constant battle of choosing our spiritual desire over our fleshly desire. And soooo so often we lose this battle. I know I do everyday. (several times a day!) It’s things as simple as not doing a chore you were supposed to do or not getting something done. I encourage you to read Galations 5:16-26 and see the importance of being in the Spirit. We are not capable of making wise decisions on our own. And especially when it comes to making decisions before or during a relationship, our vision as humans will be blured by our own emotions and feelings. But by the help of Christ we can make wise decisions and find the guy who He has planned out for us before eternity and bring glory to God. Without that we will be made fools and we will make bad decisions. It could be somthing totally innocent that turns bad… such as being alone in the wrong setting, in the wrong mindset or saying something we shouldn’t.

Becoming a “Proverbs 31″ woman:

Many of you have probably heard the phrase “Proverbs 31 woman”, but do you know what that means? It says in verse 11 “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her”. As girls and women we should be trustworthy, not decietful or misleading. We have to build that trust before we are married. And building trust with your boyfriend starts by having trust from your parents. He will love you and trust you much more  if he can hear good things about you from your parents. By trust I’m talking about trust in completing work you have started, completing it ”On time”,  keeping a promise, not looking at things you shouldn’t online, choosing friends wisely, making good Godly decisions and being faithful to your family and Christ…etc., etc., etc.  That stuff starts BEFORE marriage, not after.

In verse 13 it says “And she willingly works with her hands”. It is OUR role to take care of the home. This doesn’t mean the guy shouldn’t help, but God gave us this role not our husbands. We need to be willing and wanting to keep the house and family in order. It is what we were created for. Now I’m not saying that woman can’t work outside the home or have a job or whatever because it says in verse 24 that she was selling things and her husband was known in the marketplace because of her good work. But we are to be our husbands help meet and helping him with the growth of the family. Not living our own lives. Once we are married we become “One Flesh” with this man. And we are to both be working towards the same goals and be growing together spiritually. Not living two seperate lives.

In verse 17 it says “She girds herself with strength and strengthens her arms”. I know some girls who think men want a girl who is helpless and insecure who needs them to “rescue” her. But we shouldnt be helpless. We are to be strong in the Lord and strong morally. We need to know what we believe and be able to stand up for it. We need to know how to run a household. We aren’t going learn how to do that immediately after we get married. It takes a long time to learn how to run a home. And we need to run it physically, emotionally and spiritually. We can learn how to do all of this in our homes as young teens, especially if we have younger siblings.

We need to respect our boyfriends or husbands. Not just at a superficial level but whole heartedly. We need to do it with love and a pure heart, not with bitterness because we feel like we need to do it. Learning to respect your husband or boyfriend will start with learning to respect your father and the people around you who are wise enough to teach you and lead you. If you learn to respect the people around you now it will be much easier in the future for you to learn to respect your boyfriend or husband. Respect can be defined many different ways by many different people, but in my case I think my boyfriend deserves to have me respect what he says, to listen to what his opinion may be and not make all the decisions.

Now this isn’t mentioned in Proverbs 31 but I think its something big that you can expect from a guy and something you should be prepared for. Men are very protective, especially if they really, really love you! So be ready to be over-protected and be thankful and proud of him for all he does for you. Don’t think you can fend for yourself. Let him protect you! It is his joy and honor to do it! But don’t let your guard down and find out that you have let him cross the moral barriers you have set forth for your own life.

In the end though it all revolves around; 1. Loving our Lord and savior with our whole heart, soul, mind and strength and; 2. loving our neigbors as ourselves. Because the whole law is filled in these two commands. (Gal 5:14)

I could go on and on and on, but I’ll stop here. We all have different areas we need to work on in our lives. None of us are perfect… but we can prevent some future failure if we put thought before our actions.

Hey guys! I know its been a while since I posted on here. Been real busy but hope to start posting on a regular basis again soon!

I read this by Mark Driscoll the other day and it really inspired me again on how important purity before and after marriage is. I was so excited when I read this and it really opens your eyes to the way our world is these days. I encourage you all to read this and maybe listen to some of his sermons online. Hope you all have a great day and a great Christmas/New years! God bless! :)

Dating, Relating, and Fornicating

Christians worship a single guy who died a virgin. Perhaps that should be listed among his many miracles.

This trend includes Seattle. Recently, Mars Hill Church Seattle was listed by the Seattle P-I as one of the best places in Seattle for singles to meet somebody. So, if you’re looking to get hitched, Mars Hill is apparently a good place.

One of the reasons I believe we were named among such places as gyms, bars, and (naturally) dog parks—there are more dogs per capita in Seattle than kids—is because we tend to verbally beat boys who can shave (men who are adults chronologically but kids in terms of responsibility) like drill sergeants. The ones who don’t leave to blog about their hurt feelings tend to stay, grow up, man up, and eventually get married to a nice gal who would like to have babies but does not want to be married to one.

Over the years, we’ve seen thousands of singles come to Mars Hill, become Christians, find healing from past abuse, trust Jesus, start dating a godly guy or gal, get married, and have kids to the glory of God. I personally know hundreds of women who were sexual assault victims at the hands of some loser boyfriend/porn-head find help, healing, and hope in Jesus, get married to a guy who was previously a train wreck, and by God’s grace become new people with a fun, free, faithful marriage. Nothing beats the front row I enjoy for the Holy Spirit’s power in the lives of people whom Jesus loves.

And though we have many families at Mars Hill, over half of our church is single and in their twenties. Naturally, there are many questions about dating.

So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to speak to those of you who are single in both our church and in the church at large.

The History of Dating

Most likely, you view your experiences regarding dating as normative. Because you were born in this day and age, dating seems not only normal but also the only way in which to meet someone you could potentially marry.

We must be careful, however, not to take our current experiences and make them the norm. It’s important to view the times in which we live through the lens of both history and Scripture.

The reality is that dating, as we know it today, is a relatively new idea. In fact, prior to the 1900s, “dating” was a slang term that referred to prostitution. A man who was going to pay a woman for sex told his buddies that he was “going on a date.” Interestingly, while dating isn’t overtly a euphemism for prostitution any longer, for many men, the process is similar. In our culture, a man takes a woman on a date, spends lots of money, and by the world’s standards expects the woman to “put out.”

The cultural history of dating is interesting. In the early 1900s “calling” was the primary means of marrying. A young man would call on a young woman by going to the parlor in her parents’ home. Her parents carefully oversaw these meetings, and expectations for everything from dress and food to length of time of the call was regulated and spelled out. This protected women from the kind of sexual assault that is common today by involving the parents on every level of the courtship process. It also limited the opportunity for a woman and a man to be alone and sin sexually.

By the 1930s, however, the social landscape changed dramatically with the rise of the automobile. Cars gave young people freedoms and mobility they never had previously, resulting in increased opportunities for men and women to go out alone and increased temptations for drunkenness and sexual sin.

Socially, the rise of the car resulted in women being interested in men who were rich enough to afford a nice car and take them on nice dates, and men in turn pursued women who were the prettiest and most sexual.

By the 1940s, dating took on aspects of prostitution—as I said earlier, men treated women to nice dates, and in return they expected sexual favors. Naturally, those women who obliged were taken on more dates, and those women who didn’t weren’t asked out again.

Things really changed in the 1960s with the onset of the sexual revolution. This resulted in the greatest change in the social dynamics of singleness in the Western world, with orgies, casual sex, homosexuality, lesbianism, and bisexuality becoming increasingly socially acceptable. Additionally, that decade saw the first widely available pornography magazine, Playboy, resulting in a shift in the way our society viewed the body and sex.

The 1970s cemented the concept of dating and casual sex as normative by removing any physical consequences through the legalization of abortion in 1973 and making no-fault divorce legal in 1974. Add to that the birth control pill and other contraceptive measures, and most of the cultural and practical reasons to restrict sexual activity outside of marriage were obliterated.

The end result of all this is that today we live in a society that is overly sexualized, sees nothing wrong with experimenting, and views regular, unmarried sex as not only normal but also healthy. Those who are younger were born into a world that resulted from a massive sexual and gender experiment. Today, even young teens are involved in “sexting,” junior high girls are expected to send naked photos of themselves to their boyfriends, and the number one consumer of online pornography is twelve- to sixteen-year-old boys, which means they will expect girls not old enough to drive to punish their bodies and do the kind of extreme things that porn stars do.

Culture and Dating

Sex outside of marriage is now the norm, a huge change from just a century ago. Today, over 5 million couples cohabitate. This is up from 1 million in 1978. And this number doesn’t take into account the number of couples who don’t live together but who still stay over at each other’s places enough to be classified as cohabitators.

Here are some shocking statistics taken from my book, Religion Saves:

• An estimated quarter of unmarried women between the ages of 25 and 39 currently live with a partner.
• Half of unmarried women in the same age group have lived with a partner at some time.
• Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation.
• The most likely people to cohabit are those aged 20 to 24.

This is problematic first because it is sin and against God’s design for sex, which is to be enjoyed in the context of marriage, but also for a number of practical reasons.

• Studies almost always find that cohabitation is associated with a higher divorce risk, with estimates ranging from 33 percent to 151 percent increased risk of divorce.
• Annual rates of depression among cohabitators are more than three times higher than married couples,
• Women in cohabitating relationships are twice as likely as married women to suffer physical abuse.
• Two studies found that women in cohabitating relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than married women.
• Couples who cohabitate before marriage report less marital happiness and more conflict when married.

This is in contrast to couples who marry as virgins:

• Men who marry as virgins are 37 percent less likely to divorce.
• Women who marry as virgins are 24 percent less likely to divorce,
• Those who wait to have sex until marriage and remain faithful in marriage report higher levels of life satisfaction compared to adults who engage in premarital or adulterous sex.
• Those who wait to have sex and are faithful to their spouse also report notably higher happiness scores.

The bottom line of all this is that Satan is still a liar. Though our culture wants to make cohabitation and casual sex seem normative and healthy, the statistics tell the truth—it’s destructive. God’s plan of chastity before marriage and fidelity in marriage is still the best plan.

I speak as the chief hypocrite. I was not a virgin when I met Grace at the age of seventeen. We were sleeping together until God saved me in college and I got some decent Bible teaching about sex. We stopped sleeping together until we were married between our junior and senior years of college. I wrongly thought we’d pick up where we’d left off, but I was wrong. We had set in motion a pattern of guilt and selfishness that took years to break and hurt the first years of our marriage. For those like me, there is hope. God does forgive, and things can improve. For those unlike me, keep pursuing purity by grace because God’s way is the best way.

With that in mind, I share with you here some thoughts on being single in the church and pursuing a godly spouse.

Be the right person

Too many singles have a list of what they are looking for in a spouse. The problems with this are many. First, most singles don’t know what they really need for fifty years of God-glorifying marriage. Second, the list is usually just their resume and a form of idolatry, as if marrying someone just like you is necessarily a good thing. Third, the list usually does not account for the future, like the guy who told me it was very important that his future wife love rock climbing, until I explained to him that if they had as many kids as he was hoping for she would not be rock climbing much since it’s not the ideal activity for a pregnant lady. Fourth, how about a list NOT FOR THE PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY BUT RATHER A LIST FOR YOU! It seems very selfish to make a list of what someone else needs to be for you if you don’t have a detailed list for yourself and what you need to be for them.

As a single person in the church, one of the most important prerequisites to dating and marrying is being the right person. This means having your identity firmly rooted in Jesus rather than in your identity as a single person, what the culture says about being single, or what the culture says about marriage.

Singles in the church generally need to fight the propensity for idolatry in one of two forms: independence or dependence.

Independence

Some single people value their independence above all else. The idea of committing to someone is something that scares them to death. Rather than commit, they prefer to stay single, not because they feel called to honor God in singleness, but because they worship their independence above all else. Sometimes, the underlying root of this fear was witnessing their parents’ own marriage fail.

Dependence

Other singles are like needy puppies that can’t be alone. They worship other people’s relationships and long to have someone they can be with—again, not to glorify God, but instead to feel secure and to find their identity in a relationship. They worship dependence above all else.

Rather than finding your identity in either independence or dependence, you need to find your identity in Jesus, serving him and his church well, and trusting him to provide the right spouse at the right time.

First and foremost, we must place our identity in Jesus and we must desire what he desires for us. If you’re single and worship your independence, you need to ask for forgiveness and ask Jesus if he has a spouse for you to pursue. If so, do so obediently.

Likewise, if you’re single and dread being alone, you need to find your identity in Jesus and be content with the season of life he has you in. Use your singleness to glorify God by serving him and his church and trust that he’ll bring the right person at the right time.

Marry the right person

Some people have a list so long and so specific for a potential spouse that they’ll never find anyone who measures up. Be reasonable in your expectations and understand that oftentimes God brings someone much different into your life as a spouse, both for your holiness and your happiness.

Too many people have unrealistic expectations of who they want to marry, which often results in not seeing someone God has put right in front of you. Rather than looking for the perfect person, open your eyes to see whom the perfect God may have in your life right now. Holding people up to unrealistic expectations will only result in frustration on your part and the part of those who wish to pursue you, and may cause you to miss out on a great potential mate.

The greatest love story in the Bible after Jesus and the church is Ruth and Boaz. Their story is perfect for singles in our day. They were older. He was a successful and godly businessman and community leader. He could have married any number of women. But he picked Ruth. Her family descended from incest, she was a foreigner from another country, and she was not a virgin but a widow, as well as a new believer, homeless (gleaning for food, which is our equivalent to the food bank or dumpster diving), and came with a mother-in-law who had changed her name to “Bitter.” I’m guessing this was not the list Boaz had made for his future wife. But she was amazing and from her womb came the line of Jesus Christ according to Matthew 1.

That being said, you must have standards still. First and foremost, a potential spouse must love Jesus, love his church, and be theologically sound.

Since identity is rooted in Jesus, dating someone who isn’t a Christian builds a relationship apart from the source of identity and leads to much trouble and heartache down the road.

First, a non-Christian can’t even begin to understand who you are since they don’t know Jesus. Second, since Scripture is the highest authority in a Christian marriage, a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust the Bible leaves you in a position to have two value systems that often contradict each other as the basis for a relationship. Third, when tough times come, and they will, you will have no means of dealing with sin that comes between the two of you.

But dating someone who is a Christian is just the baseline. In order to consider spending your life with someone in covenant marriage, you need to also share the same theological values.

While we can have friends with whom we disagree on primary theological issues, it’s not wise to date someone with whom you disagree on fundamental issues such as the inerrancy of Scripture, the divinity of Jesus, gender relationships in marriage, children, the Trinity, and more. This will only set you up for great conflict when you are married and especially when you have children.

In the right way

Ladies, the Bible teaches that the man should lovingly lead as the head of the home. Because of this, any romantic relationship should start with the man taking the initiative to kindly and respectfully ask for the opportunity to date you.

Men, the Bible teaches us in 1 Timothy 5:1–2 to treat Christian women as sisters. This means that you respectfully get to know a woman you’re interested in without pressure and without sexual contact. Also, since you’re called to lead your family once you are married, you need to muster up some courage and ask out a woman you’re interested in. Too many Christian men are timid and need to have the courage to face rejection in pursuit of a wife. Finally, if a woman is not interested, you should respect that answer and trust that God will bring the right woman into your life.

Also, when dating someone, remember that the goal of Christian dating is not to have a boyfriend or girlfriend but to find a spouse. Have that in mind as you get to know one another, and if you’re not ready to commit to a relationship with the end goal of marriage, it’s better not to date but simply to remain friends.

At the right time

Often, there are many things you need to work on before you’re ready to marry. Sometimes there are habitual sins, such as porn addiction, that need to be addressed. Other times, you need to work on establishing yourself to be in a position to provide for a family or grow stronger in your spiritual life.

Accept that singleness for a season affords you freedom and benefits you won’t have when married. Use it wisely to finish your education, travel for missions, serve the church, establish your career, and create a solid financial base free of debt. Until you are ready to marry, focus on those issues, and then pursue a relationship. Live your single years to God’s glory. Don’t waste them.

In the right community

First and foremost, be part of a Jesus-loving, Bible-teaching church. Serve that church, humbly learn from those who have more life experience than you and who have developed a life-long relationship with Jesus, and grow as a Christian under solid, qualified elders and leaders.

Second, if you have decent families, honor them. Allow them to speak into your relationship and know the person you are considering. This is doubly important for young women who have Christian parents who love them. Any man who wants to be with you should want to get to know your church friends and your family, live openly before them, and gain their approval. Any guy who takes a woman away from godly family and community is dangerous and up to no good.

For the right reasons

The Bible commands that both a husband and a wife love each other (Eph. 5:25; Titus 2:3–4). There is nothing sadder than a marriage that is devoid of love or not growing in love. If a man and woman don’t love one another and are not devoted to building love over a lifetime, they shouldn’t marry.

Also, it’s not enough to date someone whom you think is only attractive on the outside, and it’s also not enough to date someone whom you think is only attractive on the inside. Rather, you should be attracted to the entire person inside and out.

Marriage is lifelong journey with many ups and downs, and many seasons of life. Grace and I met in high school, married in college, and then graduated and started Mars Hill Church together a few years later. She quit her job to stay home and raise the kids, and we’ve been together over twenty years.

Today, life is busy with the church growing, lots of travel, and many projects on top of building a godly home and family. Grace and I love each other more than ever and genuinely enjoy each other’s company as both best friends and lovers. We work together, not against one another, and support each other through every season. One day, our five kids will be grown, and Grace and I will still be together as older and hopefully wiser friends and lovers. The point is that life changes and seasons come and go. You should marry someone fit for every season of life and seek to be the right person for them in every season of life.

So this blog I’m writing for the girls… I have heard a lot lately from girls who are having issues with boys…been hearing lots of “boy drama”. I think almost all girls like to have someone who likes them or thinks that they are pretty. It feels good doesn’t it? I mean which one of us doesn’t want to feel special? We all do! But we don’t have to look outside to find someone to make us feel this way. As children of God we should always know we are special and loved and looked upon as beautiful in Gods sight. But eventually we will all go through a time when we have to deal with boys.

It has its good and bad ways of showing up at our doors someday and we all need to know how to handle it. None of us will handle it perfectly, but if we hand it over to God he will have his perfect plan worked out through it all. I know this sounds kinda harsh… but most girls are very easily deceived into believing things that aren’t necessarily true. And we all need to make sure that we are in Gods’ word every day and that we are having a close relationship with Him so that he will be our voice and mind when we get into sticky situations. The first guy to like you might be the one. But there is also a very big chance that he isn’t. And we need to be wise and discerning in seeing a difference in a guy who “likes you” or who “loves you”. There is a difference and many people think that the two are one in the same. You don’t want to marry a man who ”likes” you. Because in the long run most likely that’s all he ever felt for you. It was a like for your outer beauty and he might have had the wrong mindset in liking you and it may all end up in tears and hurt. A man who loves you will look past your outer beauty and see the girl you are inside and think how wonderful it is that God created a woman like you. And he will want to see that you are happy and love for who you are. Now, I’m not saying that the first guy to “love” you is the guy either. We need to have an understanding of guys that will treat us with love and we need to be sure we can live with them. You don’t want to marry a “good guy” who you don’t really like but you know he loves the Lord and all that. You need to marry someone who you know you can love every part of him. Even his quirks and weird mannerisms. You might wonder why I started this with girls having boy problems and went immediately into talking about marriage. And here is why, I believe that in America these days people think way to much of dating and having boyfriends. And with each boy, each kiss, each thought, you give a little piece of your heart away. And by the time you find the man who God intended for you, you have given away most of your heart to these other men. We need to guard our hearts for our future husbands. Even if we have a few relationships before we find “the one” we can use them for learning and growing in Christ.

I encourage you girls to think of the good and bad of starting relationships when you are young or not ready for a relationship. Most of them will only cause pain in the long run…

Take your feelings and relationships before God and let Him work in your life. He knows whats best.

Every relationship won’t be perfect. Some of us might fall into sin…some of us might have a wonderful story to tell our children someday. If you are still unmarried and young I beg you to put thought into every step you take. One little slip can lead you down a long road of misery and pain. For those of you who might have already done some things you regret I want you to know that it is never to late to turn things around. God says he throws our sins and transgressions into the deepest part of the sea and will never see them again. So after we have repented of sin we don’t need to think about it anymore or wonder what people think of us because we only need to please God, not man. And if you have already handed it over to God stop feeling guilt. It’s gone. Washed away. All that’s left is for you to turn to God and let Him transform your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0Cl17uRw-o

I have had some friends over the years who had parents who wanted them to be pure, to go through courtship and to be completely sinless and unlike the world in their relationships.  Great view to have for your children! But…. you have to spend time instilling these values in your children. You cannot wait till they are 13 and say “Oh,  here are your rules. Follow them, ask as many questions as you want and by the way you are going to follow them whether or not you agree with us.” And getting all up in our faces telling us what to do without teaching us. (Teens this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still respect them…I am just stating that I know how some families are and that it can be difficult to show respect in some homes… but that does not change the fact that we should respect them. That is what we have been told by God and we should follow it whether or not its easy to do.)

There is a BIG difference between “telling” and “teaching” and we want to be taught!  We should be pursuing purity because we want to please our Saviour and glorify His death on the cross and not just be doing it because “hell is hot”.  This sends many Christian teens into rebellion. Why you ask? Because we are young, inexperienced, and immature. We want to find pleasure and benefits in everything we do… we want to be like everyone else. We want to fit in. We need to see that this is good for us and understand the consequences if we do not strive for purity.

“In short they  know Christianity only as a system of restraints. It is robbed of every liberal and generous principle. It is rendered almost unfit for the social relationships of life, and only suited to the gloomy walls of a cloister, in which they would confine it. But true Christians consider themselves as not satisfying some rigorous creditor, but as discharging a debt of gratitude. Accordingly, theirs is not the stinted return of a constrained obedience, but the large and liberal measure fo voluntary service. “- Elisabeth Elliot.

We are not chained to Christianity!! We are to be serving Him with our lives out of love, not just out of fear of hell. Many, many parents do this to their children.  They threaten fire and brimstone instead of complete gratitude of the death of our savior. God doesn’t want us to feel afraid or that we are chained up! He wants us to feel loved and protected. But how can we feel loved and protected if all we hear is, “respect me cause that is what God says in His word and that if you don’t you will go to hell.”? All this does is create bitterness in our hearts and as soon as we hit 18 look who is gonna be running out that door…a child…full of anger who wants to find their place in the world and will do anything to find it. Someone who will do everything our parents told us not to do because they want to know why it’s so bad and test the waters….

Guys, it is not a bad thing to have parents who want you to  be careful and have a hand your relationships. They care about us and want what is best. But I also know that some of us have parents who are control freaks and only want to rule our lives and don’t have our best interest at heart. But, some of us will also have bitterness or anger in our hearts from something that has happened in our past and have a flawed view of our parents intentions. Pursuing purity means letting God search our hearts and convict us of areas that we need to change. Our parents were put in our lives to lead us and protect us. It says many times in the Bible that if we follow the commands of our parents that we will have long life and length of days.  This scripture holds true regardless of the intentions of our parents.

Parents…sorry to say but if your kids are rebellious it may not just be a season your kids are going through in life.  You may need to consider whether you are trying to lead them or force them into submission. Rebellion is not just a season of life we all go through. In fact, teenage rebellion is not cited in scripture.  It is a social norm that has been accepted…but it should not be the norm.  Love your kids enough to challenge them to desire to move away from rebellion.  Many times our hearts are turning away from what is right simply because we don’t have the right focus on life.

Rebellion is something we are choosing to go through as a norm in our generation but we shouldn’t want to rebel. We all want someone to lead us and show us the right way. Check this out…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-PRe1aH1A0

Recently three of my brothers Jacob-12, Elijah-11 and Jaden-9 were at a sleepover with our Cousin and one of thier friends. Thier friend started crying and telling them how he was struggling with a situation in his life. All the boys had a  deep spiritual talk about what was going on and then all prayed together.  These boys amaze me! They are so young yet so strong in the Lord!  “If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretley to myself or insidiously to others; If I let them think it hard, if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of  memory, so that my power to help is weakened then I know nothing of calvary love.” – Amy Carmichael

Many people think that children are to young and immature to understand spiritual things, yet these boys are stronger in faith and knowledge of the Bible then many adults I have known! I know many parents read my blog, so I want to encourage you to start at a young age with your children. Teach them. They are able to understand if you are willing to put your time and effort into it. Believe me it is worth it in the long run!

My brothers are still hurting from a similar situation as the friend they were praying for, but they relied upon God through it all to uphold them, to guard thier hearts and to comfort them. In fact, I would say they are stronger spiritualy and better little guys after this trial! And becuase of it they could use the comfort they received from Christ to comfort someone else going through a similar situation.

They have had people tell them that they are to young to be having to go through something like this and that it isnt fair. But they do not see it that way. They see it as a chance to learn, a chance to suffer with our Lord and a time to be a testimony and an example of the love of Christ. “Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.” Hebrews 5:8

Jesus never said life would be easy. In fact he promised it would be difficult. I am so proud of all these boys! It is such a blessing to see little boys acting like wise old men! haha